New National Monument Unveiled

In what may be a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument by the issuance of Executive Order 14273.
Mr. Cheney took the unprecedented step after failing in his attempt to invoke a lesser-known legal principle called the Separation of Cheney and State. Aides to Mr. Cheney confirmed that being a national monument gives the vice president not only immunity from subpoenas but use of selected government transport, medical staff, and Parks Service maintenance in perpetuity.

President George W. Bush presided over a solemn White House ceremony this morning in which a plaque documenting Mr. Cheney’s status as a National Monument was affixed to the vice president’s midsection. Joining the ranks of the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, Mr. Cheney is believed to be the only landmark in the nation’s capital not made out of marble.

Even as his attempt to evade a subpoena appears to have succeeded, the vice president’s new status as a national monument has created unexpected problems, as Independence Day tourists lined up around the block to get a glimpse of Washington’s latest historic attraction.

Perhaps in an effort to control the crowds, Mr. Cheney announced today that the admission price for seeing him would be set at $75,000. White House spokesman Tony Snow defended the $75,000 price tag, saying that it was an appropriate price to see a national monument of Dick Cheney’s stature. "Seventy-five thousand dollars is what it costs to see Dick Cheney,” Mr. Snow said. “Just ask any lobbyist.”

Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that everyone in the United States should go about their normal activities, “except you terrorists.”

(I plagiarized the above from the Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz, who is author of “The Republican Playbook.” The graphic is courtesy of Larry Johnson's "No Quarter.")