Don't Let The Children See...Anything

As the world outside the boundaries of Texas often calls them, the above pictures are of "sculptures." If you're in Texas and happen to be a school teacher, don't take your class to the Dallas Museum of Art, because you'll forever sully their tender eyes with Aristide Malliol's pornographic 'Flora' to the left above, and Auguste Rodin's shocking 'The Shade,' the bare-assed bronze guy to the right. Who knows? They might even see a male torso from a 330 B.C. Greek funerary with...wait, I can hardly bear to say it: genitalia. And maybe you'll be fired, like Sydney McGee was, who had taught elementary school for 28 years. One of the children in her fifth-grade class told her parents she'd seen something naughty:

She [McGee] later received a memorandum in which the principal, Nancy Lawson, wrote: “During a study trip that you planned for fifth graders, students were exposed to nude statues and other nude art representations.”

I hadn't planned on doing a "Kulturkampf" piece on this lovely Sunday morning. I simply wanted to post some beautiful artwork, and used what I thought to be a thoroughly unprovocative search term: "Rodin." One of the first images returned didn't look at all like a Rodin sculpture, so I clicked on it, and found the NY Times story through a blog post which had attached the Malliol photo. Good morning, America. Hello, all you kiddies in Texas, and behold. Feast your eyes on the pornographies above, and fill your filthy, teeming little minds full of dirty thoughts and questions.

If anyone from the Dallas Museum of Art management happens to blunder in here, someone out here cares, and recognizes what you're up against. You're peein' into the wind, cow-pokes, and I want to help you. I will consider taking one or both of these offensive sculptures off of your hands, and might host them for a modest fee in a more private setting. I think the Malliol could fit nicely in our master bedroom suite. I assure you, no one but family and special guests would see it there. As for the Rodin, we could hide it in our discreetly fenced backyard. I've already built a patio for it, and, if we can agree to terms, would build a small pavilion to protect it from the elements and from prying eyes. My contact info is &#@%texasupthe^**@fellationation.com.