He Brings The Spunk, They Bring The Junk: Obama Announces

Technically, he only announced the formation of an Exploratory Committee. Practically, he's running. Here are the high-profile Senator candidates for the next purported Presidency: Hillary Clinton. John Edwards. Barack Obama. And Joseph Biden, too! Don't dare forget him.

Hillary Clinton is already tabbed as the candidate the elite can work with, as in, "No problem." She's Machiavellian enough, has patents pending on the co-developed Clintonian Triangulation Calculator, has blood of the Iraq War on her hands from her enthusiastic vote for it, and is a woman. (Thanks to the Patriarchal Puke-Fest we've been treated to for the past 6 years, being a woman has become a marketable political quality.) Edwards is tagged as a lightweight, a white economic populist who might be dangerous if he weren't so fiberglass, un-folksy, and un-electable.

And what would an election year be without the Pagliacci of Presidential politics, Joe Biden? It just wouldn't feel right without him, one of the most reliable sideshow geeks in the circus, always ready to get kinky, thoughtfully masticating chicken heads on Press the Meat. He's from the demi-state of Delaware. Oh, yeah, and I forgot John Kerry. And that. Was on. Purpose.

Obama is seen as unelectable because he's black and new. Yeah. Except when he opens his mouth, he says things he actually believes in, and you can tell. His book, The Audacity of Hope, has been on the New York Times best-seller list since it came out. Its current overall Amazon sales rank is #6. And he's too "new?" Sometimes I wonder why Senators bother to run for the Presidency in the first place, because they have records to attack. Like, the last Democratic Senator to be elected was, let's see, also a first-termer. That would be John Fitzgerald Kennedy, upon whom Oliver Stone supposedly based the motion picture "JFK."

Obama is unelectable only in the sense that he's been tabbed as big trouble for the elite--which he most certainly is. Rich people see him, and their lips start to tremble, their mouths start to work trying to make sounds of panic, and their sphincters start opening and closing like butterfly valves. Then they hear him talk, and the insulation shielding their minds starts to tear away as they scream, "Oh my gaaad! It's Hugo Fuck-ing Chavez!! Right here on our sacred shoorrrres!!!" Of course, that's partly why I like him. At best, the powers that be might see him as an acceptable running mate for Hillary. He's assassination protection, too, kind of like a Clintonian Dan Quayle or a BushCo Cheney. Off a woman president, and you get a black one. Ha! How you like them apples, Homelanders?

Obama is the thoroughbred in this election. The more he's on TV in front of live crowds, the better he'll get. When he speaks his mind, he doesn't need to guard what comes out. Because of this factor alone, if he got Hillary into a debate, he'd beat her so bad she'd morph into John Kerry, right onstage. Here's another little sound bite:

"I cannot in good conscience support this plan. As I first said two months ago, we should not be sending more U.S. troops to Iraq, we should begin redeploying them to let the Iraqis know that we will not be there forever and to pressure the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds to finally reach a political settlement," the popular Democratic Senator said.

He believed that "It now falls on Congress to find a way to support our troops in the field while still preventing the President from multiplying his previous mistakes." For this reason, he expressed his support for capping the number U.S. troops in Iraq, and added that "it’s imperative that we begin the phased redeployment I called for two months ago, and [I] intend to introduce legislation that does just that.”

Nothing much. Direct, spare rhetoric, not parsing words. Effortless, and he means it. They'll probably find a way to smear Obama, even if they have to manufacture a scream using Cool-Edit Pro to take out the background noise. Like they did with Howard Dean. But even then, I'd not be quick to write Obama off. He has far more resilience and natural political ability than Dean ever did. You check him out, and it keeps coming up. He was the first black editor of the Harvard Law Review. He was the most popular law professor at the University of Chicago. He was drafted to run by regular people. And what did he teach at Chicago? Oh...only Constitutional Law (I'm guessing that's something we kinda need?).

Presidential politics are tough to predict, and are subject to the fickle whims of prejudice, opinion, back-room deals and tune-able voting machines and judges. And the prototypical smart, folksy Democratic govervnor has yet to emerge from the South...such as Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico. But just watch Obama run, because it'll be a thing of beauty. He has a soaring quality of greatness, a unique ability which simply cannot be faked and which inspires. When watching Dubya or Hillary speak, how many people in their right minds think, "Geez, I wish I could be like that?" When Obama speaks, it's like watching Muhammad Ali fight. It's like watching Seabiscuit attack the back stretch. It's like watching Michael Jordan take over a game. Trust me. You'll see. He brings the Spunk; they bring the Junk.