Diary Of An Islamo-Terrier: Psycho Bitches From Hell

You think it's fun being stalked? Then take a look at what came in my e-mail every day last week. I got no interest, baby. Nada, comprende? You ain't my type. Unlike some people I could name, I get what I need--and more--from Laura, thank you very much.

Barney Comes Clean: Book Deals

I've been helping Laura out on her forthcoming book about successful child-rearing. For a title, she's leaning towards "It Takes a Suburb." And I'm putting the finishing touches on mine. It's pretty predictable, I guess. But we're excited.

And speaking of children, Jenna has hired a big-shot lawyer to shop her book around. She doesn't know what it'll be about yet. But I do.

I even know the title: "Freakin' Free in 2008."

Guest Post: Barney Comes Clean

This picture was taken just after I peed on the coat of His Gaseousness. It wasn't a temporary loss of bladder control, either, not like they made me claim in the press conference. It was a long, satisfying surge.

See that sadistic grin on his face? He's digging his thumbs into my ribs, I can't breathe, and have gone rigid with excruciating pain. And that was nothing compared to what he did later with the couch cushions, suffocating me and shouting, "Enemy combatant! Islamo-terrier!"

I beseech you, America; I'm calling out from Dogmo. Free me from this sick example of your species.

Barney's Continued Support For War Examined

Barney the Terrier, the White House's Director of Canine Affairs, fielded reporters' questions today regarding what some allege to be his wavering support for the war. Reading from a prepared statement, Barney said, "There will be no rush to judgement, and I strongly support the President. While he hasn't been feeding me as consistently, he has continued to give me occasional treats and rubbed my tummy last week. I respect that, and fully expect his performance to improve. Of course I read the polls, and pay close attention to subtle smells and visual cues. These have alerted me to the seriousness of the times, leading to a minor, temporary loss of bladder control, which some partisan observers have maliciously interpreted as a loss of support."

Senior White House correspondent Helen Thomas then took the unusual step of holding up a sizeable portion of take-out chicken teriyaki, and asked, "Barney: Do you support the President's plan for a "surge" in troop levels?" Barney, a black Scottish terrier noted for his even-tempered grace and quiet intellect, was at first unable to answer the question directly. He avoided Ms. Thomas's gaze, trembled, and whimpered slightly. Then, following a pause of perhaps thirty seconds to devour the chicken, Barney regained his composure to state, "Helen, thank you. That's really not my area of expertise. However as you know, in the course of my duties here the First Lady and I have become extremely close. We've made no final decision, and there is no timeline, but Laura has informed me of her recent purchase of a cyanide Milk Bone," Barney announced to a shocked Press Corps. "Any decision will be mutually undertaken, and if she throws it, I'll be ready."