Thursday, May 14, 2009

"Give Me A Waterboard, Dick Cheney, And One Hour, And I'll Have Him Confess To The Sharon Tate Murders"

Jesse Ventura added this treasure to my trove of revenge fantasies during a Larry King interview, further stoked this week by the entire Cheney family, which collectively told us we should be down on our knees thanking them for keeping us safe from the Bad People.

Other punishment favorites include holding a "Birdshot Party," sending him out as a postal carrier in the slums of Damascus, a regimen of beatings with a baseball bat, and simple execution. Of course these are negative, violent things, and I'm an optimistic and constructive chap. So here's what should really be done:
1) force-feed him a diet of nothing but marijuana brownies, cheeseburgers and milkshakes
2) make him listen to music by black artists, with emphasis on rappers, for 6 months non-stop
3) if he's still alive after 6 months, start an intensive program of feminist consciousness-raising training
In short, he should be sent to a re-education camp which uses advanced psychological therapies designed to literally kill him with kindness. Should he somehow survive it, he'd at least come out a better, perhaps even more bearable person.

I could easily perform this service to the world in a finished basement, pre-equipped for these and similar purposes, and hereby offer my dungeon and time gratis. As for step #3, Lord Wife went to NYU so she can devise the curriculum. Hmm...I think the music would start off with a Martha and the Vandellas video like the one above, a truly frightening version of "Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide."


Bee said...

Man, and you said I'm scary:)

For #2, I recommend some Public Enemy, then maybe some Tupac.

Wonder if he could be taught to emulate Martha Reeves' head shake.

MarcLord said...

Yes, but you're scary in a strangely compelling way.

I literally thought of Public Enemy 10 minutes before reading your comment, and then went, whoops, you can't leave out NWA.

And to your last query, umm, yes. We might even see that one on TV pretty soon.

Unknown said...

I say drop him off in the mountains of Afghanistan with a 9mm, let's see how tough he really is.

Still Life Living said...

At least the intelligence would be actionable....

...there are more links through OVP than through Baghdad!

Naj said...

why waste brownies on him?

MarcLord said...

Bro Tim,

thought of that one, but he'd be taken for ransom and Unocal would pay to free him.

MarcLord said...


good point!

"Where are your secret bunkers, or I will play "Fight the Power!" yet again."

MarcLord said...


because he couldn't resist them, and because I wouldn't want to see him on LSD.

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