George Carlin's Eulogy, As Told By Himself

There are countries in the world, France being one, where "intellectual" is an officially recognized occupation. Here in America, we have no such job title. Our intellectuals are known as comedians. George Carlin was one of the sharpest, and he died on Sunday. He is memorable for many things--his pointilist use of obscenity, his personal generosity, his bravery. Less recognized is his intellect, a wizardly ability to observe the social environment and melt it down to glittering, ricocheting bullets of truth. My friend Still Life Living sent me Carlin's clip above in memory of, and once transcribed, it describes the wizard better than I or anyone else could:

Thank you. I'm a modern man, a man for the millenium, digital and smoke-free; a diversified multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically and anatomically and ecogolociacally incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, and I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high tech lowlife, a cutting-edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m New Wave but I’m Old School, and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking warmhearted cool customer. I’m voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database, and my database is in cyberspace. So I’m interactive, hyperactive and, from time to time, radioactive.

Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar, a high concept low profile medium-range ballistic missionary, a street-wise smart-bomb, a Top Gun bottom-feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing Bigfoot slam dunk rain-maker with a proactive outreach, a raging workaholic, a working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.

I got a personal trainer a personal shopper a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up and you can’t dumb me down 'cause I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m an Alpha Male on beta-blockers. I’m a nonbeliever and an overachiever, laid back but fashion forward. Up-front, down-home, low rent, high maintenance, super-sized long-lasting high definition fast acting, oven-ready, and built to last. I’m a hands-on footloose knee-jerked head case. Prematurely post traumatic and I have a love child that sends me hate mail.

But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing, a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care giver. My output is down but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my E-mail and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, not soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall I bought a mini van at a mega store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuumed packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spending, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning, I don’t snooze so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hanging tough, over and out. Thank you!

One Day Hun, Blunder Serve Fails Lance

A speech recognition engine might transcribe the spoken phrase "One Nation, Under Surveillance" as "One Day Hun, Blunder Serve Fails Lance." Or to "Won Nary Tons Fundies Sir Salient." Or to "Dear aunt, let's so double the killer delete select all," as happens in this Microsoft Speech Recognition demo for their new Vista operating system. The poor product manager tries to dictate a "dear mom" letter in front of a bunch of reviewers, and hilarity ensues. Ah, yes. I know it well. This is my field, and I briefly had that guy's exact job several years back; they let me have it for awhile until they could find someone calmer, less prone to seizures, someone who wouldn't randomly scream out "Auaaaagggh!" in meetings, with no visible eye-twitch or physical abnormalities. And I was the lucky one. They found the new guy before I had to give one of these demos. Auaaaagggh!

Seriously, speech recognition has gotten pretty good. But it's also still sensitive, imperfect, and unpredictable, so it's not really ready for prime time in free-form applications like speaking English. It best performs repetitive tasks in narrow domains. Trying to understand people speaking full sentences is hard enough for a human, and some days I wonder if they do it very well at all. To be fair, the technology has come a very long way, and has gotten pretty good unless, say, you have a sinus infection or a fluorescent light happens to be on. Speaking of lights, it's very good at tasks like switching a light on and off. Almost always.

Our government, in its desire to be helpful, is applying speech recognition technology (not Microsoft's) to the problem of listening to phone conversations, you know, so we can tell who's running terrorist cells and where they're going to attack next. Last I checked I think the National Security Agency admitted to having about a $40 billion yearly budget, give or take a few score unreported black projects and a few hundred contractors. Making technology work for you. Feel better now?